It was the weekend, and Sayaka was supposed to be studying in the library. Of course, Saya hated studying as it usually required some measure of patience.
And for all that she tried, Sayaka just couldnt do well in certain subjects in school: Particularly Mathematics. Which is probably why she had finally, rather reluctantly agreed to meet Naru at the library for a study session. With entry exams just around the corner, this was especially important..
Except of course, that this session was bound to be particularly..Awkward, considering she now suspected where she stood with Kyouko and how she suspects she feels about Naru now.
But hey, she really needed to pass her entrance exams, so maybe she could at least try to focus on her studies. She's a bit late to the session, and Naru's probably right on time as she rushes through the library, searching the shelves for the table they were supposed to meet at.
Naru is on time, a smidge early in fact to the library. She has her own homework to do and while she'd planned on getting more done last night, that just wasn't in the cards. Which means that Naru is there with her own homework to work on as well as the subjects that Sayaka wants some help with. Her satchel is at her feet, and there's a spill proof travel mug of coffee that peeks out of it, snuck in against all the rules no doubt, but studying goes so much better with coffee.
Naru looks up as she spots Sayaka and if there's Awkward, she's covering it up nicely with a smile and a little wave. She'd call, but yelling in the library just ends up with people getting kicked out.
Sayaka's looking a little ruffled today. Clearly she didnt have much sleep last night as she rushes in, peering around. Finally, she spies her, sitting at a decent sized study table. She too, tries to cover up whatever anxiety she feels by forcing a smile and waving to Naru.
"Heey! Sorry I'm late! I slept in, then I missed my bus and had to walk." she sighs, "I was gonna call it a day but I figured I'd missed enough study sessions, and I really need to pass this exam!"
Sayaka rests her backpack on the table as she begins to pull out her textbooks and notebook. It's mostly math that she's been having trouble with, and the textbook is pretty heavy and daunting looking. Of course it's the kind that has those cute animal pictures on the front, just to get you excited, only to discover the book has nothing to do with cute fluffy bunnies.
"Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, I really appreciate all your help so far.."
"I know that feeling entirely too well." Naru comments with a touch of a rueful expression on the bus missing and walking. "Hopefully it was at least a nice walk." She offers, moving to reach for her own books, to ensure Sayaka has enough room for her stuff.
"It's no problem at all." Naru assures, glancing over to see which math textbook Sayaka's got. "I'm here studying anyhow, I don't mind giving you a hand." She pauses a moment and then broaches one of the potential awkward spots. "Were you out patrolling last night?"
Sayaka smiles. She's always liked Naru, even if things are awkward now..But then again, it's not her fault what happened, as far as Saya's concerned. "Yeaah..The weather wasn't too bad this morning actually. I just dont care for getting up early really. I'm more of a night owl.."
She smirks as she flips through the pages of her textbook, searching for where she left off. "Algebra. Ugh. I really HATE algebra!" Saya makes a face as she pours over the notes she made in her notebook.
Glancing over at Naru as she asks a potentially awkward question, Saya hesitates a bit before answering. It's true that Kyouko had offered to continue to patrol with her at least once a week, however, she failed to mention that she had actually 'broken up' with her the last time they'd talked, and so Saya had pretty much avoided her from that point on once she suspected what had really happened.
Not that she can tell Naru that however. She obviously already knew, before Saya did, and that makes things even more awkward. And kind of, humiliating. Saya draws a deep breath as she tries to figure out how to answer that.
"I suppose..I patrol most nights, although it's been nice that I have the company of Alexis lately.." Nope, no mention of the marked absence of Kyouko or her not even bothering to respond to the red head's messages anymore.
"I am /such/ a morning person." Naru laughs lightly, shaking her head a little. "Most of the people I know are night owls, or so it feels.. well not all, but most, but I /love/ being up early and going for a run. Best time of day."
Naru reaches for her math book and shakes her head. "Algebra isn't so bad. It's just little puzzles and once you know the rules of the puzzles, it's just sorting out how to make them fit." She makes it sound so easy. Ha!
It's the mention of Alexis that Naru glances over for, rather than the lack of menion of Kyouko. "How's he doing?" She asks, casually.
Sayaka bites her lip, peering at her notebook, pointing at a particular problem she's been stuck on for a while. "Here, this is where I got stuck last time. I couldn't figure out the..Order of Operation? I think? I mean, when you try to isolate 'x', do you take care of the dividing stuff first, or the multiplication or adding? I dunno, I keep doing weird things to X..." This particular equation has lots of those little bracets and squared symbols as well. She's got a tough teacher for sure.
She smirks at Naru, "Heh, I guess it is like a puzzle, I'm just not that great at solving most puzzles!" she laughs nervously at that, wondering if Naru saw the irony in that statement.
Then Naru asks about Alexis, like she doesnt know, and her smile fades a bit, staring intently at her problem, even as she attempts to answer that question. "He's..Well, I dont really know him that well but, I guess we really connected on something, but...I guess he's still a mess, so full of regret and pain, and anger. Claims he's incapable of any positive emotion, but I was sure I glimpsed just a bit of it here and there.."
She sighs, "I wish...I got to know him before he became..What he became." of course Naru most likely knows what she's talking about, can easily fill in the blanks, "But, I think going out and fighting monsters is good for him, gives him a focus. I just hope I can help him.." She's only met him a couple of times, but she speaks as if she's already somewhat...Fond of him.
"Adding and subtracting, always last." Naru points out and then leans over to give some hints in and amongst other conversations to be had. "I have to admit, I love puzzles, so that's probably why I dont find algebra all that bad. Geography tried to kick my /butt/ last term, though."
"I'm not surprised that he's still a mess. He's every right to be." Naru nods slowly. "There was a lot of anger and pain before too, for that matter." She notes quietly. "Going out and fighting monsters is .. well.. basically pretty much what he hoped to be able to do." She is quiet a moment. "I'm glad that he's patrolling with you, that there's someone he's connecting with. I have no illusions that he has /any/ desire to see me, but I worry about him. So thank you."
Sayaka nods, "Right! Deal with the most difficult parts first, then the easier parst after. Then maybe things will fit together better.." she proceeds to do just that, attempting to solve the squares and divisions and multiplications first, trying to isolate her x, although she still seems to be missing something. The x and y keep ending up on both sides.
"Arrgh! It's so complicated! Why do we even need to learn math? What use could it possibly have in real life? At least fighting monsters makes sense..."
She nods in agreement, "Yeah, I bet he's been through a lot, just waking up one day to discover that he's no longer human..That he has to drain others just to survive, and.." she frowns, "I guess his heart is still broken after losing someone he cares about, probably blaming himself for the loss. Probably doesnt even understand why he was rejected. He seemed really...Lonely.."
Sayaka gives a strange little laugh at the realization. She might as well be talking about herself. "I'm sure he still cares about you but.." she shakes her head, "No, I suppose it's none of my business, what happened between him and you. However, I am very curious to know what kind of person he was before he became a..Whatever he is now.."
"You need to gather them up, so that they're all together." Naru notes as she untangles where Sayaka went wrong in the equation, walking her through the steps in illustration. "Because even though it isn't labelled algebra in the real world, you use math a lot." She points out and there's a flicker of a smile. "Besides, problem solving is important. And because teachers are a pain in the arse about us learning stuff."
Naru pauses just a moment at the comments about broken hearts and looks over at Sayaka for long moments. "Well." She starts and then pauses just a moment before nodding. "I still care about him, but the spark of caring about him /like that/ was gone. Which is hard to realize and hard to admit to and hard to explain to the other person without sounding like a complete jerk." Her expression is rueful and she considers a moment.
"He was.. and still is as best I can tell.. very much about sticking up for the underdog. He'd get into fights with people that he though deserved it." Naru explains. "Gangers, the asses who harass other people, or threaten girls who can't stand up for themselves. He hated knowing just enough about the magical world to know, and not being able to help."
Sayaka nods, "Hmmm, let's see..." she manipulates some more numbers, and almost gets it right. There's just one step she's missing, an extra z on the right side, along with the x, but it's looking a bit better. "How's this? What is the step that i'm missing?"
She grins and nods, "Yeah, some teachers are such a pain! And the one teacher, he gives us a quiz almost every day! It really, really sucks.." Saya falls silent again as Naru explains how she feels about Alexis. It sounds kind of familiar, painfully familiar, enough for her to grit her teeth..
"I see...Sounds painfully familiar. But I'm sure you were at least honest with him." Unlike SOME people..She clenches the pencil, anger seething through her teeth as she thinks about Kyouko's attempt to 'dump' her, which ended up sounding more like 'Dont worry, nothing's wrong! Let's go patrol!'. She cant even look at Naru at the moment as she grinds her pencil into the paper.
It helps to focus on Alexis however, but it's likely that the conversation will eventually reach that uncomfortable place. "Heh, sounds just like me. When I first discovered I could see things I wasnt supposed to see...Yet was powerless to protect myself..I still threw myself into the battle, trying to beat the bad guys. He's got a heroic heart, even now."
She coughs, taking a sip of her water bottle, forcing a smile as she remembers how SHE was always there to protect her at the time. "Well, his heart's in the right place. But I feel so sad that he cant feel anything besides anger and hatred...I just hope I can help him somehow. Only villains deserve an unhappy ending. And he's no villain, just a victim of circumstance.."
"Almost!" Naru points out the next step in the math problem, where Sayaka had stopped just before. "See? Not so bad. You just have to take it in systematic steps, and it all falls out at the end."
Naru mmms softly, a little frown at the mention of honest. "I tried to be, but .. those conversations suck. There's no two ways about it." She gives a little shake of her head. "And sometimes you think you've been super open and clear, and the other person /totally/ didn't get what you were getting at, and you have no idea." She takes a slow breath and then a little shrug. "The next conversation /after/ we broke up was pretty much as challenging as the break up was, on my side at least." She gives a little bit of a shrug. "Break ups suck. No matter how you slice it, no matter what side you're on, there is pretty much no way that they don't suck rocks."
"He's no villian." Naru agrees with a firm nod of her head. "I realized I coudl see things right about at the same time as I ended up in the Dark Kingdom, which complicated things." There's a thoughtful pause. "It's super frustrating though, that feeling of powerlessness."
Sayaka stares at the problem on her homework page now, finding it hard to keep focus. "Yeaah......I guess...Ugh..."
She shuts the book then, not because she couldnt understand the math problem, but because she cant understand that OTHER problem. "Yeah, breakups DO suck, but the person doing the dumping at least owes the other person their honesty at the VERY least.." She's so close to yelling right now, her hands clenched tightly on the edge of the table.
"It's even harder on the person who's been dumped, especially if the dumper was neither honest, nor clear about it! But made them feel like everything was fine, they were just super busy and needed to figure out their new responsibilities before they could figure out the relationship! I mean, if you're gonna dump someone, just dump 'em, dont keep 'em hanging on, hoping that there's still a chance they can work on things!"
Right now, her voice is raised to an almost yell. It's enough to warrant a few stares from the nearby table and passers by. "And then, the only time you discover you've actually been dumped is when everyone is pussy-footing around you, asking how you're doing, how you're coping, then you discover from the other person's ex that the person who dumped you is actually dating someone else but didnt have the decency to tell you!!"
She stands up suddenly, nearly knocking over her chair, which wobbles unsteadily, "And then suddenly you feel like you're the villain who's not allowed to have a happy ending..."
Naru is quiet as Sayaka starts to yell, standing up as she gets into full rant mode. Not unreasonably so, but if she'd hoped to get a fight out of Naru in return, she's about to be sadly disappointed. Instead Naru watches as Sayaka's stands, and her expression is calm, sympathetic even. She takes a slow breath in, held for a moment before she lets it out just as slowly.
"I'm sorry that you feel betrayed." Naru watches Sayaka. "I'm quite certain that there was no intent to mislead, but misunderstandings happen, and even more so around relationships and hope." She takes another breath. "You're not the villain, and your story isn't anywhere near over it. That chapter might be, but that's not the whole story."
Sayaka narrows her eyes at Naru, and certainly, her fight was never with her..After a moment, the other girl's calming words do have the desired effect and she takes a couple of deep breaths before she does sit down. Staring down at her hands as she grips the edge of the table however, it takes her a moment or two before she can actually stand to look back at Naru.
"You know, I never blamed you in all of this, and I still like you. You're a nice girl Naru-chan, and I'm pretty sure you didnt know any better..However, she just lacked honesty and integrity and the ability to be straight with me. She always sucked at expressing herself. And for something so crucial in a relationship..." She sighs, "I just...I just can never forgive her for leading me on like that, for giving me hope.."
Sayaka pauses as a study group at a nearby table glare at her, making a 'silence' motion with their fingers, and in return, she attempts to lower her voice a bit more. She shakes her head, leaning back in her seat. "Sorry, didnt mean to make a scene but...All that pent up emotion and pain...I mean, I could see the relationship fizzling out, and to be honest, I dont think I ever really...Swung that way. It was more of an experimental thing with me. But even so....."
Sayaka's shoulders slump a bit, fingering her homework. "Guess I kinda screwed up the study session, huh.."
"I was her friend when she talked to you." Naru points out quietly. "I know she struggled with it, and /she/ didn't think of it as not being honest." There's a touch of a rueful smile. "That being said, expressing herself has never been a strong suit, and I /am/ sorry there was misunderstandings. I know that wasn't the intent, even if that was how it ended up." She takes a deep breath, holding it a moment.
"It's alright." Naru assures her. "It has to come out sometime." She nods slowly at the ackowledgement of it starting to fizzle. "I mean.. we're all fifteen and sixteen. Even with all the weird crap in our lives, it's sort of the time of our lives where experimenting is pretty normal and expected."
She shakes her head slowly, still not believing what Naru says. But perhaps she is right and she just really really sucked at expressing herself. "You've always been wise. However, that still really bothered me. I...Dont even think we can be friends again after this, her and I.."
But it's time to move forward, and now that she's got that out of her system, Sayaka's determined to focus her energy on something - or someone that's really worth her time.
"Well, I'm afraid I can no longer even focus on my homework right now, but I do appreciate your help. I guess..Sometimes I feel like I just..Really suck at relationships. I mean, Kyousuke-kun was the first one, and I...Even though I healed his hands and gave him back his dream of becoming a famous violinist, still, he did not like me as more than just a friend. And now, Kyouko. I feel like maybe I'm at least partially responsible for things not working out between us.."
"Who is Kyousuke?" Naru asks curiously, a quirk of her head. She doesn't have any illusions that ther'es homework going on at the moment, they have other things to sort through and sort out rather than algebra. All in good time.
"I think that's fairly normal, the 'I dont want to be friends for a while' thing." Naru points out. "And why I'm trying to keep some distance with Alexis, because I am quite certain he doesn't really want to deal with me."
There's a little wrinkle of Naru's nose. "It's never wholly one side or the other. Relationships don't work like that, it's always some give and take and compromises and deciding that putting up with that one thing that drives you /crazy/ is worth it for the rest of it." Naru takes another breath and leans back in her chair, giving a little sigh.
"Kyousuke-kun is a childhood friend of mine. He got me into classical music, although I guess I was never quite as talented with the violin as he is. Once, he was caught up in a youma attack which seriously injured his hands. He was in the hospital for a long time but they said too much damage had been done to his hands, and nothing short of a miracle could heal them enough for him to play again.."
She bites her lip as she thinks fondly of her childhood friend. "I guess I was always kinda in love with him, but he never really felt the same way for me. When he was in the hospital, I visited him tons, and I felt bad for his injured hands. When Kyubey visited me on night, he offered to grant me any wish I desired, in exchange for becoming a magical girl..And I guess that's how I became a Puella Magi.."
Sayaka doesnt yet put her homework away, afterall its still pretty early. However, she's not really focusing on it right at the moment either. "I guess I struggled for a long time on whether it was worth healing his hands in exchange for becoming a magical girl who may eventually turn into a witch. And part of me hoped that he might eventually love me in return, but he never did. Instead, he ended up dating a friend of mine..."
As for not wanting to be friends 'for awhile' with Kyouko, Sayaka just shakes her head slowly right now. "Well I dunno, I just cant...Think about it right now. I dont even know if I could get past that ever. And more than that, we were partners. We'd always go out on patrols, beating up monsters. I..Missed that more than anything, being a two person team. Guess I was a little jealous when suddenly she became the center of everyone else's life and I was just a side accessory who was no longer 'important.' but..."
She smiles a little, "It helps a little that I get to patrol with Alexis now, and it helps that he's experienced much of what I've experienced so maybe he can understand a little better..And that really helps make the pain go away, if just a bit."
Naru is quiet as she listens to the story of Sayaka's friend, and her wish and her struggles afterwards. "I don't think I've heard of any wish that Kyubey has granted that didn't come with a lot of struggle and introspection and challenge. It's never a good deal, but no one ever knows just how bad before, from what I can understand."
"I tend to be very much of the 'never say never' mentality." Naru replies gently. "No one expects you to put a date on when you'll get past that sort of hurt, that'd be silly. But someday, you might find that the sore spot isn't actually sore anymore, and you've no clue when that actually happened. Or you might not, and there's no way to guess that right now."
Naru mmms softly, thoughtfully and then she smiles at the mention of Alexis. "I'm glad. He's lonely too, for that matter. Even if he's totally not likely to admit it, but I couldnt help that, and I think you might. I'm /glad/ you two are out patrolling."
"It's true, time heals all wounds, as cheesy as it sounds." Sayaka smirks, "I guess...I always hoped that one day, all of us Puella Magi could form our own superhero team and fight witches together, the same way the Sailor Senshi are a team. But..I guess it never worked out."
She sighs, "Mami-senpai just skipped town one day far as I could tell, me and Kyouko are no longer a team and...I've no idea what happened to Makoda-chan and Homura-san..Maybe what I really wanted, was to belong somewhere, to be part of something bigger.."
She shrugs, "Well, maybe you're right, maybe i'm just impatient. Guess we'll see." she manages a weak smile. "On both fronts.."
Glancing down at the daunting homework, Saya yawns and stretches, "Yeah, now that that's out of my system, maybe I can try and focus on homework now, cuz I have a major exam tomorrow and I'm soooo far behind! I hope you dont mind these study sessions, but I hope you'll understand if I ask you not to bring...Her..With you, at least for a bit.."
"I've always gotten the sense that the pack of you puellas were all so damn /independant/." Naru points out with a quirk of her head and a nod. "But I absolutely understand that desire. I'm not a senshi. I'm not a shitennou. I'm not a puella, not a Guardian, not a Prism Keeper. I am simply me." Naru gives a little shrug. "Teams aren't bound by similarities in powers, nor made by where you draw your power from. If they were, I'd eternally fight alone and I'd be dead. I am not a primary combatant, no matter how much I have to fake it. You /are/ part of something bigger. We all are." There's a gesture of Naru's hand, indicating the wider whole.
"Although I will say that impatience seems to be a trait I've found in more than a couple puella." Naru flickers a smile and then a nod. "She wouldnt thank me for inviting her to sit in a quiet library all afternoon. In fact, I would hazard that 'Gosh, I'd love to sit quietly while you guys study' is probably not anywhere in the top five. Have no fear of /that/ coming up anytime soon. We do each have our own lives even still."
Sayaka shakes her head, "More specifically, meeting you after the session, or in a way that I'd accidently bump into her is what I mean..." she nods however, already knowing that She would probably never even come to a library, even if it was to meet Naru after a study session.
"Yeah, it's funny, Mamoru-san once gave a similar speech, and I get what you're all trying to say. That it doesnt matter who you are, but what you do. However, I still always felt like an outsider wherever I went, and when I was with her, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere.." she shrugs, "However, I guess I have a job at WPS now, so at least I have some sort of focus of my own. Even so, I feel like I'm more there as a referee than anything else."
"My life is, apparently, all about stealign his material." Naru quips, her tone dry. "Doesn't make it less true, though. We all make our own ways, and find where we fit, and very often, it's not exactly how we'd envisioned it, and often it ends up being /better/, even when it's pretty damn rocky in the middle."
"I would expect that WPS is a bit of a challenge with Miss White being ill at the moment." Naru comments with a little nod."
Sayaka smirks, "Well the world always needs more wise voices, that's for sure." she nods, "Guess I'm still trying to figure out where I fit, just wish my journey wasnt so long.." she's pretty much given up on a study revival and she starts to pack her bag as she notes the time.
"Well, speaking of which, I need to do my shift down at WPS in half an hour, so I'd better run or I'll miss my bus. Guess we ended up spending all this time talking about stuff other than studying, but...I hope we can continue these study sessions.." hurriedly, Saya climbs to her feet, checking her watch once more before glancing out the window. "But thanks for the chat.."